Neighborly

I just confronted a man taking a "neighborly" piss in the back yard.

I guess it's part and parcel of "living in the big city," but we're been facing a growing number of issues in the area, perhaps brought on by increased density, new developments replacing low-income housing, and economic conditions engendering a certain amount of anger and "who gives a crap?" attitude. Break-ins, theft, vandalism, random property damage, hit-and-run accidents, and the ever-present littering are all on the rise. A house up the drive was broken into four times—by the same people, apparently, and they were caught the fourth time. We've also had kids blatantly casing the townhomes (going to every door, trying every lock, peering in every window), abandoned stolen property turning up in yards and garages, mailboxes smashed, fences damages and torn apart, petty things like stealing flower pots…

…and the litter. Always the litter. Candy wrappers, chicken bones, cellophane, styrofoam, grocery bags, takeout containers, beer cans, wine bottles, juice boxes, torn up (no doubt stolen) mail, receipts from every store in a four-block radius, cigarette butts…heck, even an empty 12oz can of spam. I realize some of this is stuff the crows pick up nearby and drop here, since the maple out front is one of their regular hang-outs. But I also see plenty of people walking by just tossing stuff into the yard like I'm their servant and should be happy to clean up after them. And there are also plenty of dog-walkers who don't clean up after their best friends.

So when I see a scruffy guy wander up the back drive with an open beer bottle and a plastic bag…I figure I know what's gonna happen. I head downstairs and sure enough, there he is, relieving himself in a holly bush. Bottom line, there's no real harm in that, but, really: is the yard somehow magically his toilet?

Amusingly, he decides to get in my face:

"You could have come out and introduced yourself in a neighborly way, but instead you have to be like this?"

"I'm sorry: taking a piss in the yard is you being neighborly?"

"You've never taken a piss outside in your life?"

"Sure I have. Show me where you live, and I'll demonstrate."

Yes, I offered to get into a pissing contest with a man drinking beer at 12:30 in the afternoon.

I said that the area had been having increasing problems with vandalism, property damage, and litter, and we're all keeping our eyes open. The Noontime Urinator was unimpressed, saying I should just pick up anything he left behind and throw it in a garbage can. Then he suggested I should watch a cop show or do something entertaining instead of speaking to him, and toddled off with a note that he would "show me some property damage!" I'm sure I have that to look forward to now.

But at least he took his empty bottle with him…although I have little doubt it's within about 20 yards of where I'm typing this.

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