Geoff Duncan

I probably should have taken it as a bad sign, but the fact remains that four or five years ago when long-time Law & Order actor Steven Hill appeared in an ad campaign for TD Waterhouse, red alarm bells went off in my head. That's Adam Schiff—he's a public servant! It's a conflict of interest! He can't be appearing in advertisements for an investment firm, even if he is retiring from the show! That's not right!

Oh yeah— Law & Order is a show. Steven Hill is an actor. But it says something that TD Waterhouse would hire Hill, primarily known for his decade-long, scene-stealing portrayal of New York district attorney Adam Schiff, a performance which bore some resemblance to legendary real-life DA Robert Morgenthau. Hill's face and tenor exuded authority, principle, realism, and a certain world-weary wisdom. Sure, there are other investment firms, the ads seemed to say, and if you want to go with them, be our guest. But you can make things easier on yourself by just going with TD Waterhouse now. I found the advertisements genuinely creepy, despite my fondness for Steven Hill and his portrayal of Adam Schiff, and I was relieved when the campaign faded into the glum economic downturn forged by the dotcom blowout, the Bush presidency, and 9-11.

However, a year or two later, caterpillar-eyebrowed Sam Waterston began appearing in TD Waterhouse advertisements—an association the investment firm has repeatedly renewed. According to TD Waterhouse, "Our customers see the same values of dependability and trust in TD Waterhouse as they do in his character on TV." I guess they're sort of overlooking the hard-drinking, office-romancing, rule-bending, hardnosed liberal idealist Waterston sometimes portrays in Jack McCoy. But as the current longest-standing cast member of Law & Order (since the departure and untimely death of Jerry Orbach), Waterston makes perfect sense as a spokesperson, and it feels right he'd come into the job by way of his old on-screen boss, Steven Hill. Waterston's spots don't creep me out as much as Hill's: Waterston has always maintained some aura of personal celebrity, and one is more accustomed to thinking of Waterston as separate from his role as Jack McCoy. It wouldn't be out of character to learn his fees for appearing in the ads are sent directly to a Cambodian children's charity or similar. Although I have no idea if that's the case: they may well be going directly to the Waterston Big Yacht Fund.

But what are other investment firms to do? It must truly be a crisis. None have yet stepped forward to hire any of the multitude of former assistant DAs Law & Order has cast off over the years (Richard Brooks, Jill Hennesey, Carey Lowell, Angie Harmon, and now Elizabeth Röhm). Perhaps a mere "assistant" DA doesn't exude the proper trust and gravitas for the role. (Although, honestly, I'd probably pay to see Richard Brooks read a placemat at Denny's.) Similarly, no one's hired Chris Noth (who played hotheaded Mike Logan) or Benjamin Bratt (who played do-gooder Rey Curtis) to pitch mutual funds or low-fee stock trades: in the former case, there may be too many associations with Sarah Jessica Parker and the S-E-X word; in the latter, personal and professional associations with Julia Roberts, Sandra Bullock, and Halle Berry might burst that trust-bubble. And Jerry Orbach is no longer available.

Solution? Simple. Dip into Law & Order's deep, New York-based, Broadway-skilled pool of regular re-offenders: actors who have appeared in numerous roles in Law & Order series over the years.

And this is where investment firm commercials get creepy again, for JD Edwards (I think?) [I missed it: Edward Jones -gd, 11-Feb-2005] has just launched an advertisement featuring Olek Krupa, who is my favorite never-the-same-person-twice repeat offender in the Law & Order universe. (My favorite same-character-all-the-time is Leslie Hendrix.) Oleg's IMDB biography doesn't do him justice: he's been playing heavies - usually Eastern European heavies - for many years in films like Behind Enemy Lines and on shows going at least back to Miami Vice. (Olek more recently played a slight spin on that role as the heartbroken, Republican, Khazak emigre father to a US-born terrorist in TNT's lackluster miniseries The Grid—and I swear I remember him, William H. Macy, and Paul Guilfoyle in the original L&O pilot, but maybe I'm wrong.) But, alas, my pal Olek can never catch a break. Instead of portraying a voice of trust and dependability, Olek (who's Polish) is typecast as a Russian. Or, at least, as an investment advisor whose speech is incomprehensible to Joe investor and may as well be Russian.

But the precedent is clear: you're an investment firm looking to establish credibility with viewers? Your ads must feature Law & Order faces.

<Shudder>